Some people say there’s no such thing as a selfless act–that any time we do something to help another person, we get something in return, even if it’s just a warm fuzzy feeling.

I’ve spent a lot of time playing with this idea in my head. It doesn’t really bother me to know it feels good to help someone else. That, to me, is a completely acceptable type of selfishness. What gives me cause for concern are the underlying expectations we often have when we give “selflessly.”

We’ve all been there. You cover for your coworker because you know you’ll need her assistance next month. You give your sister $20, and then silently look for ways she can pay you back, even if not monetarily. You help your friend get leads for a job, and then feel angry when she isn’t as proactive in offering you support.

I’ve found that these expectations cause more stress than joy. They mar the act of giving, which makes me feel slightly guilty; they lead to disappointment if the person I helped doesn’t return the kindness; and they tie my intentions to an internal score card, which places a wedge in my relationships.

Recently I’ve been asking myself, “What is my expectation?” before I do something for another person. The answer I find most acceptable—cheesy as it may sound—is: to feel good and show love. Strangely, when I release the need to control what I get for giving, I get enough, somehow.

I’ve made a list of 20 things you can do to show you care, without needing the recipient to return the kindness—20 ways giving is its own reward. Maybe some of these will resonate with you. Or perhaps you’ll want to write your own list to spur the spirit of giving without expectations. (Although I’ve written you, these are things I try to do.)

1. Give money you can spare to someone who needs it and then pretend you never had it.

2. Let someone tell a story without feeling the need to one-up them or tell your own.

3. Let someone vent, even if you can’t offer a solution, just to be an ear–without considering how well they listened to you last week.

4. Help someone who is struggling with difficult feelings by admitting you’ve felt the same thing–without considering whether they’d be as open with you.

5. Ask, “What can I do to help you today?” Then let it go after following through.

6. Tell someone how you feel about them, even if it makes you feel vulnerable, just to let them know they’re loved and not alone.

7. Apologize when you’ve acted selfishly, even if you don’t like feeling wrong, because it will remind the other person they deserve to be treated with respect.

8. Let someone else educate you, even if you’re tempted to stay closed minded, because you value their knowledge and appreciate their willingness to share it.

9. Forgive someone who wronged you because you have compassion for them, not because you know they’ll owe you.

10. Hold someone’s hand when they feel vulnerable to let them know you haven’t judged them.

11. Give your full attention to the person in front of you when you’re tempted to let your thoughts wander just to show them their words are valuable.

12. Assume the best when you’re tempted to suspect someone for no valid reason—even if they haven’t always given you the benefit of the doubt.

13. Accompany someone to an appointment or drive them to an interview when they need support just to help them feel strong.

14. Change your plans for someone you love if yours weren’t too important without questioning whether they’d do the same for you.

15. Teach someone how to do something without taking a superior position because they’ve likely taught you many things, whether they were obvious or not.

16. Leave a thoughtful comment on someone’s blog, not to build your readership but rather to show them how they affected you.

17. Tell someone you believe in their potential, even if they haven’t always shown you the same support.

18. Say no when it would make you feel good to say yes, because sometimes being kind means pushing someone to step up and try harder.

19. Tell someone you know they meant well instead of using their mistake as an opportunity to manipulate their guilt.

20. I’ve left this one open for you to write–how do you give just to show you care?

Let’s face it: none of us is always kind. Human nature dictates we’ll act with one eye on what’s in it for us, at least occasionally. And I think that’s OK, as long as we make an effort whenever possible to do good for the sake of it.

Releasing expectations doesn’t mean you give other people permission to treat you thoughtlessly. It just means you check in with your motivations and give because you want to; and then ask for things directly when you want them. People who care about you will be there for you in return.

It’s Monday.

Oh well.

It’s Wednesday somewhere. Or it will be. Next week.

SHOES.

To be specific… FABULOUS SHOES.

I saw a woman in Austin recently… who happened to be wearing a most fabulous pair of shoes. Kinda like these…

This woman told me her shoe philosophy,

Start with the shoes and work your way up.

I love her.

Isn’t it amazing what fabulous shoes do to a girl? I wanted to be that woman’s best friend. I wanted to sit by that woman and make her laugh… I wanted her to like me. I wanted to chop off her legs and steal her shoes. Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer…

Wait.

In defense of myself, in case you are judging me for my shoe-lust or blatant materialism… I am no Imelda Marcos, but mostly due to financial reasons… not because I am above or necessarily opposed to such things.

My signature shoe:

I’m a real “shoe horse”  *snicker

Just kidding…my normal daily shoe is this…

Remember, I live in South Texas. We wear flip flops all year round!!

Except when I go grocery shopping. Then I wear these…

                                                                                                                                               *kidding*

And don’t forget about boots…

Shoes…

• I have a shoe board that needs some development on pintrest…
• I am cukoo for these Christian Louboutins…
• I own THESE, but I also walk like I’ve been hit by a truck after wearing them for about 17 minutes. *Sidebar… are sexy shoes sexy if while wearing they make one look like one is walking with one foot on the curb and the other off?
• And just now, I spent 20 minutes on endless… looking at THEIR shoes. Like crack. For the eyes. And also the wallet.

I think crack addicts and shoe addicts have a lot in common… the whole “addiction” thing, and also both addictions can be pretty spendy.

You know what? If I hit rock bottom, I think it’d be better to get there because of shoes than because of crack… Besides, a shoe addict looks WAY cuter than a crack addict.

You’re nodding…

BECAUSE IT’S TRUE.

So tell me, if you hit rock bottom due to fashion, what would it be for you? Shoes? Scarves? Necklaces? Flower pins? ETSY???

As he’s doing this, I’m thinking, “Okay, I did my social duty. I let one car in. Now it’s my turn. The next guy has to let the next person in. After all, fair is fair. The protocol for kindness in this circumstance, the agreed upon social convention is you let one car in and then you get to go. No harm, no foul.”

So, why was I feeling uncomfortable? Because I know that the path to my joy, my inner peace, and my prosperity is a path of generosity and compassion without judgment, evaluation, or conditions of any kind. I know that I have a choice now to be even kinder than I had just been, and that it’s really not in my best interests to resist that choice.

“Wouldn’t it be nice,” I told myself, “to just let the second car in also, right now, no fuss, no bother, will cost me a whole extra 5 seconds of my life, it would make things easier for the stranger in the other car, why not do it, what’s the big deal?”

I decided to let this second car into the lane in front of me. She smiled and thanked me, which felt really good, but that was the icing on the cake. I was feeling pretty good the moment I made the decision to put my ego away and just be kinder and more generous.

Certainly, there is no right or wrong in terms of how many cars we let into our lane. It’s not right or wrong to let no cars in. Legally, we have the right of way. The issue is, how do our decisions, our choices, make us feel about ourselves?

My decision to let the second car in made me feel great. I felt it represented progress in my releasing my ego’s resistance to being more caring, more sharing, more loving, more accepting and more forgiving. I felt it also represented progress in my role modeling behaviors reflecting greater courtesy and cooperation, which, if adopted by others, will strengthen the fabric of society.

Strengthening the fabric of society is nice but the main point is that by choosing to be kinder, more generous, more gracious and more respectful of others, above and beyond the standards we have set for ourselves, we will discover our world changing before our eyes, becoming more joyous and fragrant.

**Love**Be Loved**Inspire**Be Inspired**Give**Be You**Dance**Love some more**

Where the best you can come up with is “the sun didn’t come out soon enough today”?

Where people being who they are – who they always have been – irritates the hell out of you? Where they do the same inconsiderate ass $hit as they did last week but last week it wasn’t inconsiderate – it was just them – but this week it has gotten under your skin?

And today you just want to kick and scream and throw the hugest pity party for one ever planned and executed, complete with a pinata and Eyeore-themed party favors?

No? Well, f@ck you

After that we’re frustrated that we
have teenagers to deal with,
we will certainly be happy
when they are out of that stage.

We tell ourselves that our life will be complete
when our spouse gets his or her act together,
when we get a nicer car,
are able to go on a nice vacation,
when we retire.
The truth is there’s no better time
to be happy than right now.
If not now, when?

Your life will always be filled with challenges.
It’s best to admit this to yourself
and decide to be happy anyway.
One of my favorite quotes comes
from Alfred D Souza.

He said, “For a long time it had seemed
to me that life was about to begin -real life.
But there was always some obstacle in the way,
something to be gotten through first,
some unfinished business,
time still to be served,
a debt to be paid. Then life would begin.
At last it dawned on me that these
obstacles were my life.”

This perspective has helped me to see
that there is no way to happiness.
Happiness is the way,
so, treasure every moment that you have.
And treasure it more because you shared it
with someone special,
special enough to spend your time…
and remember that time waits for no one.

So stop waiting until you finish school,
until you go back to school,
until you lose ten pounds,
until you gain ten pounds,
until you have kids,
until your kids leave the house,
until you start work,
until you retire,
until you get married,
until you get divorced,
until Friday night,
until Sunday morning,
until you get a new car or home,
until your car or home is paid off,
until spring, until summer,
until fall, until winter,
until you are off welfare,
until the first or fifteenth,
until your song comes on,
until you’ve had a drink,
until you’ve sobered up,
until you die, until you are born again
to decide that there is no better time
than right now to be happy…
Happiness is a journey, not a destination.

So, Work like you don’t need money.
Love like you’ve never been hurt and
Dance Like no one’s watching

After all, even in our online world, some things (to some of us) are private. Very private. Like relationships. Like not blurting to the world about another person’s life – or your own – without thinking first. And then – realizing you are speaking on a permanent. global. forum. Don’t air your dirty laundry online! Or your brand spanking new clean laundry for that matter!

Why?

Internet common sense

Am I trying to take the “social” out of “social media?” Of course not. But consider this:

• When you’ve met someone new, and you’re excited, voice it!  But not with so many specifics that if it doesn’t pan out (become the relationship you desire), you’re embarrassed. And so is the other party.
• Don’t use your Facebook relationship status as a flag of sexual availability, flicking it on and off like the turn signal in your car. Single, in a relationship, single, in a relationship. It’s cruel, it’s silly, and it reflects poorly on you.
• Be an adult. Change your relationship status (if you feel you must) when you are certain of it, and when you have spoken to the other person first.
• Yes – I used the “A” word. Adult. If you have a beef with someone, must you really put the specifics online for all to see? Your tiffs, your making up, your bitterness, you interpertation.
• When there’s a break up, a family fight or a personal situation, must there be name-calling on Facebook, in a blog, in a series of tweets, in Friending and de-Friending and unending back-and-forth that is (or should be) embarrassing for both of you? And your real friends and family?

Discretion is the better part of valor

Am I proposing that you not freely discuss relationships in your own writing, in a way that helps you sort them out, sharing happiness, allowing others to learn from your experience, or simply enjoy vicariously? Not at all.

I am saying you should consider retaining enough details to protect your privacy. Intimate details that can be read by family members – yours and the other party’s – including children,  “friends of friends” in our social media circus-universe, not to mention your co-workers, your next employer, and potentially, your next date or lover. What do you think their attitude would be if they see their predecessor skewered online?

Recall the expression “discretion is the better part of valor?” Speak as you wish, but what’s put on the Internet cannot be taken back. Ever. Perhaps use humor, metaphors, or appropriate details with your audience in mind – in other words, a bit of discretion. You are publicly broadcasting your life – and another’s as you see it. It may come back to bite you, so do so in a way that serves to explore, to praise, to inform, to motivate, to educate, to question – and yes – to entertain readers or followers and gather input if you need it. But mudslinging on the Internet? Hell – our reality TV stars have done it in spades! I think it’s embarrassing, and beneath them. I think it’s High School. And certainly not the better part of valor. Then again, one must know the meaning of valor to exercise it.

The emperor has no clothes

Sadly, just as people talk over cocktails, or in the locker room, people “talk” over the Internet. Barbs are hurled back and forth through blogs and tweets and Facebook walls. When feelings are involved – hurt feelings – when Jane says John did X, then John says Jane did Y, the whole thing can escalate into a nasty battle that doesn’t belong on the public airwaves. I don’t like it when it’s Jon and Kate Gosselin. I don’t like it from Reality TV stars in their blogs. I don’t respect it, especially if I’ve come to care about Jane, John or any person.

One of the pleasures of this global communication arena is the opportunity to befriend interesting people anywhere. But use discretion. Remember that the world is looking over your shoulder. And if you aren’t judicious in what you say, you may regret it. Not because you did anything “wrong” – but you may inadvertently hurt someone, or be hurt yourself. Just think about it. We feel something, process it, deal with it and move on. The internet does not. It stays there. People remember it and you may have come to regret saying it but it can no longer be taken back.

Marsha, Marsha, Marsha!

And I was all, “Miss-who?”

I guess it was kinda a big deal.

Missoni launch crashes Target Web site, spreads mayhem

(source here)

I heard rumblings about this on the interwebz. Peeps on Twitter were all, “OMG. TARGET IS DOWN! THEIR WEBSITE IS DOWN!!! IT’S BECAUSE OF MISSONI! MISSSSSONNNIIIIIII!!!!”

People were running around in the streets, tipping over cars… surely the end of the world was…

But seriously. My mind was all… “Missoni? MISSONI? Ur spelin it wrongz, y’allz! It’s M-E-R-O-N-A.”

Oh and, uh… Merona? It’s respectable line-o-bland-wear. We all own or have owned Merona.

ADMIT IT.

So, I initially thought Merona crashed Target’s site. Or was it Mossimo? Oh my.

Maybe khakis were making a big comeback? It could happen!

I decided to click around and get to the bottom of Merona’s sudden fame.

As I clicked around the interwebz the light bulb turned on. I realized there wasn’t a mis-print. It was Misssssoniiii not Merrrronaaaa. “Uh…. HAVE I HAD MY HEAD IN HOLE? WHAT IS THIS ZIG-ZAGGEDY BUHRRRRILLLLLANCE???!!!”

I mean… I am even on PINTEREST, people.

I have good taste!

I have even pinned VALENTINO, people!

Unrelated… My birthday is October 30th. *ahem*

If you know my, you know I have great taste!!!

I do love my fashion. I love Target. I’m not ALWAYS in “the know” on these things but I do think I am at least at a level where I would know when something is hot at Target. AT LEAST! FOR CRYIN’ IN THE NIGHT!

I mean really, friends…. IT’S TARGET.  Who doesn’t love Target??

I heard about the long lines – like OUTSIDE OF THE STORE lines – of people trying to get their hands on this stuff.

I’m just not too sure about this stuff?!?!?

Maybe I’ll pin a recipe. A literal ode to good taste, no?

I didn’t go to Target that day.

Things I Don’t Do:

• Early-morning-day-after-Thanksgiving shopping
• Big county fairs
• Food festivals
• I shouldn’t do the self check-out at thingy…
• Heavy metal concerts
• Rush on Target for Missoni

Then again, I see a pair of $39.99 Missoni shoes are listed for $129.99 on eBay.

SRSLY? Srsly.

I mean. ZIG ZAGS?! FUN COLORS?! Who can resist?

So. Did you go? Were you in “the know”? Do you have something Merona in YOUR closet?

*Just so you know… I am not being paid to blather about this little union. It just caught my eye. Brightly colored zig zagged textiles will do that to a girl like me.

********

Go. Pee. Now. Swallow all your coffee. In the words of Yoda, “Do as I say, you will…

There are supposed to be 24 hours in each day, 60 minutes in each hour, and 60 seconds in each minute, yet on that  Tuesday 9/11/2001, time was redefined.

Minutes were counted in tears that had been shed and hours were measured in lives that were lost and days struggled to even be recognized amidst the blur of pain and suffering.
Time is said to be relative, and that is the only thing that remains true. For it is all about relatives, and family, and friends, known, and unknown.

Each tick of my watch signaled moments that had forever been lost, dreams that had died, passions yet to be realized, kisses yet to be given, hugs that would never be shared, and breaths that would never be taken.

Each tick of my watch signaled the unleashing of immense canyons of pain and suffering, of floods of tears being shed, of hearts of all ages and all sizes being broken, and of the mammoth emptiness which enveloped us all.

And each tick of my watch also signaled that if I am aware that time is still ticking… I am still here. To experience the pain and share what I can of myself with others.

To pray for my unknown friends who have lost their lives and for the ones still living, who have lost their spirit.

To cry once more, and yet again, and then to move amidst the ashes and make friends with the fear and the pain that will always be there from now on.

To look at children who still claim their innocence, and for a moment, revel in their simplicity.

To listen to the different songs the birds sing, until I find one that is right for me.

To breathe deeper, and inhale the strength of life, with each breath.

To live better, and kinder, and more compassionately.

To kiss harder, hug stronger, and love deeper.

And to remember that it is still okay to laugh, and to cry, and to let go, and to heal.

To all the heroes of  9/11. You courage is what makes tomorrow possible. Your bravery has allowed me to raise my children protected yet unafraid. To our troops, who give up Christmas morning with their family so I can have Christmas morning with mine, I am humbled with gratitude and faithful in my respect, appreciation and honor to YOU. We often take for granted the very things that most deserve our gratitude.  We are in fact, ONE NATION UNDER GOD!!!

Her loss really because she missed out on this exchange…

KK : Should I wear this crazy expensive jewel encrusted sweat band inspired thing around my head?

ME: No.

KK : But it’s in homage to screen legend Audrey Hepburn!

ME: Don’t pretend like you know what the word “homage” means.

KK: Which dress should I wear first?

ME: Wait, what? you have more than one dress?

KK: Duhhhh

ME: The mermaid one’s Got. To Go.

KK: but Vera..

ME: Nope…zip it…it accentuates your already huge ass.

KK: Don’t make me cry, they spent two hours on my make up.

ME: ahhhh…poor thing. Once, at my wedding, I did my own make up…gasp

KK: Whuuuu??

ME:  Nevermind. Relax. Enjoy your day. Because most of your days are so committed to helping others and contributing your many talents to society.

KK: Whatever. I like so love Regg…I mean Kris. Our wedding is costing $57,000 for each day we’ve known each other

ME: NEVER say that out loud again. Really.

KK: Should we video our honeymoon?

ME: Careful with that one sweetie!!

KK: Wedding vows do include “my lawfully wedded husband, until another hot guy looks good in a jersey, right?”

ME: Careful with that one sweetie!!

KK: Wheres my phone? I need to tweet..

I give it a year!!